Jay’s Official List of Grievances
Since joining AM Fitness in February I’ve read all of the happy-happy, joy-joy posts about how great AM Fitness is.
By Jay Friedman
People keep writing to you telling stories about how they lost weight, they feel better, they have more energy, their lives have been turned around, Jill is so great, you care so much, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada. Well, I am sick and tired of reading all that crap! Worst of all, my own wife just sent you her list of the top 10 things she loves about AM fitness.
I’m here to set the record straight, and finally present my official list of grievances as a result of working out at AM Fitness. Here is MY list of things I HATE about AM Fitness:
My clothes don’t fit! I have drawers and drawers of clothes that must be replaced because of all the weight I lost. Do you have any idea how much it costs to replace clothes when you drop 3 full sizes in a relatively short period of time and you continue to drop?
I had very expensive, custom fitted knee braces that are now worthless! After years of exercising incorrectly at various sports, I severely injured my knees and had to wear braces when I walked into AM Fitness for the first time. Since you taught me the correct way to move and build the supporting muscle around the knee, I no longer need the braces. In fact, I haven’t worn them in months. Do you have any idea how expensive they were and how useless they now are? Thanks, thanks a lot.
Speaking of making my knees better, exactly what do you expect me to do with all of the prescription grade, anti-inflammatory medication I had to take on daily basis for knee pain? Between dropping weight and strengthening my muscles, this medication has become as obsolete and worthless as my knee braces.
Less than two years ago my cholesterol was above 200. Now it’s down to 163. What am I supposed to do with my stockpile of Zocor? Are you going to reimburse me for that? I didn’t think so.
I have been publicly embarrassed and risked jail time because of AM Fitness. I coach U12 girls soccer. Despite having already replaced much of my wardrobe with smaller sizes as mentioned above, I nearly found myself in a world of trouble during this weekend’s soccer game. When I had to sprint across the soccer field to help an injured player, I felt my pants sliding down! If I didn’t grab them quickly, they would have been around my knees or worse. Do you know what the authorities do to 50-year-old men whose pants fall down in front of a bunch of 12-year-old girls and their parents?
Oh, and while we’re on the subject, the soccer players all hate me now. I used to just stand on the sidelines barking orders, but now that I can run and keep up with them for the entire practice, they can’t get away with the things they used to. In fact, since I implemented the “time to run a lap with the old guy, and if you don’t beat the old guy, you have to do another lap” drill, they are really ticked off.
You never give me a break! If I hurt myself over the weekend or by doing something stupid, when I return to AM Fitness you always find different ways to modify the exercises to avoid my injury. This forces me to keep working, moving and sweating along with the rest of the class so that I don’t miss a single minute. What I am really hoping for is a little commiseration, and for you to say “that’s too bad, why don’t you just do 5 toe-touches, go get an ice cream sundae and take a nap.”
AM Fitness has made my teenage daughter continually nauseous! Because my wife and I exercise at AM fitness together, the changes in both our bodies, boost in energy and improved outlook have caused us to more frequently and spontaneously, kiss and hug like newlyweds, despite recently celebrating our 26th anniversary. I can’t begin to describe how this nauseates our teenage daughter. The kid’s eyes are going to roll a full 360 degrees one of these days. Have you got a cure for that, Mr. Fitness???
Lastly, the music stinks. No really, there is no sarcasm intended on this one, your music seriously sucks. It’s not even music. There are no instruments or singers. Just the incongruent, inarticulate, piecemeal ramblings of those with a very poor comprehension of the English language, a propensity for profanity and severely repressed anger/rage issues screaming into a microphone. Seriously, put on some real music. If you do, I will officially retract my list of grievances!
There, I feel much better now.